realization

The Loss.

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What is the biggest loss you bear once you go through a difficult situation?

This is a question I have been asking myself for a few months now. In order to get the answer, I looked not only at myself, but at a number of people around who have faced situations unimaginable to themselves. What I realized was the fact, that very few of us have the courage to end the pain. We like to torture ourselves, to re-visit the mistakes of the past and to blame ourselves constantly for everything which is wrong, but that, I believe, is human nature, blaming is. You may blame yourself or someone else, but it is in our nature to find out whose fault was it. With all this crap about situation, blaming and where do I stand after a bad situation, I went back to the question I started with. The answer was simple. The biggest loss, after any situation, is the loss of SELF. Every time you go through a trauma, you lose a part of yourself you are never getting back, and this change is gradual, you’ll never know its happening, you may behave like a rock for a while, but too many shocks and you will be gone. I may sound like a hopeless git here, but the truth is that, this is what I have seen, not just in myself but in people around me. I lost a part of myself I priced most and there is no going back. I cannot be the same person anymore, no matter how hard I try and the truth is that I do not feel like going back to being that person, even if I miss that person inside me. Some would say that the change is for the better and that this is probably a better version of my old-self but I know myself, and I know that this is not a better version, at least not by the parameters I set for myself.

Bottom-line: After an undesirable situation, if there is something or some one you need to cry for, that would be you. Realize that your old self is dead, hold a funeral, leave some flowers and move on, because that’s the only choice you have.

A Virtual Dilemma!

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imagesA file here, another there, a “New Folder” propped open on one side, 5th copy of the picture I just scanned, wait.. A whole bunch of the these copied pictures, and not just a single one in fact multiple copies poking out of different sites. This is just the beginning of the Pandora box! So far I was coming across files being copied once, or twice or maybe just five to eight times, but at least their labels were self-explanatory, the next thing I unearth is a file having a weird, yes weird assortment of documents and pictures and files I do not even remember compiling. Going through the history tries to remind me they belong to a time four years back, being compiled for the reasons must-have-been-known-to-me-but-aren’t.

This story is not about how I keep my stuff in my cupboard, No! It actually depicts my situation of a few hours back when I tried to rid my digital system of all the unnecessary files and folders. It was a Pandemonium, a silent one, of course, but I discovered such fascinating stuff which I never could have imagined was collected by me if it wouldn’t have been my own system. Files upon files of notes, which have been printed and stored in hard copies ages ago, stupid and idiotic pictures clicked by excitement, uploaded on  facebook but forgotten all the same. Folders revealing research articles downloaded for presentation purposes but never read or even opened except for the moment they were downloaded to check their length only. The situation doesn’t end here, in fact it haven’t even started when I connect my USB and go through it!

All this made me realize that I might be very careful while handling my stuff in the real world, making disapproving noises and snide comments at those who are messy at a level beyond my tolerance range, but as soon as I enter the virtual world, I do not allow my neat-freak mind to take over, making copies of stuff I do not want and storing things which will never be of any use to me, even if stored for an entire lifetime. I do not consider the fact that occupying that space for such stuff is making me get more and more USBs ultimately claiming a little but space all the same in my real neat world. Even if that point is ignored, the worst part is to clear that stuff out which demands time and energy and a greater amount of perseverance to admit the fact that I COLLECTED THIS JUNK!!