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My life is quite different from the last time I posted in here. Today when I logged in, I had no intention to write anything, majorly because these days, my writing sessions involve a private text I probably won’t be showing anyone. I have always shared here whatever I have felt and I think that it’s time I deal with my feelings alone so I don’t bother sharing it online, however, my logging in and taking a brief look at my site made me realize that I have neglected for a year now and it hadn’t done me any good, so I thought that a little sharing won’t hurt me in the slightest. It might as well help me make my mind more clear, so here goes…
As we grow up, things around us change, gradually very slowly, each day passes and it doesn’t feel like things are changing, yet somehow things seems nothing like before when we take a look at the picture from a distance. In the course of these changes, we have to take certain decisions, based on certain parameters which lead our life to the point where we are. I have always taken decisions based on what makes me happy, it was never difficult, because as a child, our parents taught us to take decisions based, first on morale followed by what pleases us, resulting in us becoming somewhat confident individuals, but there comes a time when you have to fight for your own self, your family cannot protect you any more, may be because you grow up. Currently I am in a situation where I fail to understand what is more important to me, rather I do not understand that what would make me more happy. Even if I do figure out the source of happiness, the route leading towards it also have some barriers, which are very very difficult to cross. If I choose the path having no barrier, I may get lost in my pursuit leading towards failure. In short, I can definitely not explain the tidal waves after waves of panic and changed decisions roaring inside me, making me double minded, for the first time in my life ever! But I have shared it in the hope that someone might relate and it is always better to find out that you are not the only one. I am not asking you to share you story, in fact I want my dilemma to be of some use to any one out there who’d feel as confused as I am.
Our lives are surrounded by a variety of movies, books and stories. As the busiest and the most intelligent species thriving on this planet, we love to be entertained, and this entertainment usually does come in the form of a good movie weekend or a nice book. It is so because these things offer us an escape from our real world and allow us to go through a different expedition each time we explore a new one. The best part about this entire journey is the fact that it allows us to be judgemental, not only toward how good the book/movie is rather about who’s the good guy and who’s the villain. We can clearly see who’s right and who’s wrong and we definitely want the “HERO” to triumph over the “VILLAIN” in order to make it a happy ending of our choice.
This routine processing of our brains in general made me ponder over a specific attitude of humans, which is, that,
“We are very much capable of judging good from evil when presented in a self explanatory manner, but we definitely do not have a sight to see the evil within ourselves”
I say that because whenever we consider any situation of our very own life “co-starring” other people near us, we always think of ourselves as the Hero of the story, seeing a villain in those we do not like. We do not intend to think, for even once, that we may be acting as a typical bad guy for someone, ruining their situation and disturbing their story. Some may call this human nature, but I believe that it is also in the nature of a human to change oneself, have a flexibility in ones mind to accept, at least for once that yes, I am wrong, and that I was being unreasonable, even though that does seem impossible, but conquering this, can only make us the Hero we want to feel inside ourselves.
A file here, another there, a “New Folder” propped open on one side, 5th copy of the picture I just scanned, wait.. A whole bunch of the these copied pictures, and not just a single one in fact multiple copies poking out of different sites. This is just the beginning of the Pandora box! So far I was coming across files being copied once, or twice or maybe just five to eight times, but at least their labels were self-explanatory, the next thing I unearth is a file having a weird, yes weird assortment of documents and pictures and files I do not even remember compiling. Going through the history tries to remind me they belong to a time four years back, being compiled for the reasons must-have-been-known-to-me-but-aren’t.
This story is not about how I keep my stuff in my cupboard, No! It actually depicts my situation of a few hours back when I tried to rid my digital system of all the unnecessary files and folders. It was a Pandemonium, a silent one, of course, but I discovered such fascinating stuff which I never could have imagined was collected by me if it wouldn’t have been my own system. Files upon files of notes, which have been printed and stored in hard copies ages ago, stupid and idiotic pictures clicked by excitement, uploaded on facebook but forgotten all the same. Folders revealing research articles downloaded for presentation purposes but never read or even opened except for the moment they were downloaded to check their length only. The situation doesn’t end here, in fact it haven’t even started when I connect my USB and go through it!
All this made me realize that I might be very careful while handling my stuff in the real world, making disapproving noises and snide comments at those who are messy at a level beyond my tolerance range, but as soon as I enter the virtual world, I do not allow my neat-freak mind to take over, making copies of stuff I do not want and storing things which will never be of any use to me, even if stored for an entire lifetime. I do not consider the fact that occupying that space for such stuff is making me get more and more USBs ultimately claiming a little but space all the same in my real neat world. Even if that point is ignored, the worst part is to clear that stuff out which demands time and energy and a greater amount of perseverance to admit the fact that I COLLECTED THIS JUNK!!
It has been a very long time since I last wrote for this blog. Even though I’ve been writing for my own self a little here and there, the blog have been neglected for long, reason being my final year of the university. I don’t even have a lot to write today even though a lot had been going on for the past year. Now coming towards the point of what had been going on in my mind to write, is not a new story, rather it had happened a air few months back, but it had been in my mind and I realized, how differently our brain works, and some unanswered questions may be nagging for a very long time..
Coming to the point of it, a few months back, we went for a dinner on a Sunday, and we’d decided to go for typical Pakistani roadside barbecue (sounds weird for a microbiologist, but I can’t help loving the food that particular place has to offer). Everything went fine but when we were about to leave, we saw a guy looking for something on the road, along with his friends, we’d been seeing him do that for around 15 minutes and this thing made us all very curious, when we asked him as to what he’d lost, he told us that he’d lost thousands of Rupees (in Saudi Riyal) and he was looking for it. We searched a little and then left, but for some unknown reason it keeps on nagging me either he’d found it or not, and this is not because I”d feel sorry for him a lot, but because few things, specially the lost things are always the most nagging ones to me, and the idea that where were all the time I didn’t have them?
Even though I personally have always ever wanted to learn French, but since it won’t be of any use to me in Pakistan, the language I would want to learn miraculously is, Pushto, it is the language of one of our province, i.e. KPK, and it sounds a lot like French, and also that it will come really handy in a metropolitan city like Karachi where people in the down town markets are mostly Pushto speaking. So I would quite like to learn it, Yeah..
If I think about a generation immediately younger than me, it would be my cousin’s daughters. They are cute and adorable of course, but one thing I understand least about them is their constant need of a cell phone which serves as their gaming zone all the time. I really do not understand the need of a constant gaming for 5 and 7 year old girls. It might sound like an oldie, but I think that those girls should be more close to people around them, rather than the cell phones people around them own.
What I learn, or to be more precise, awed about them is basically their presence of mind at that age. I couldn’t imagine doing and saying all the stuff they say at that age MashaaAllah.
In short, I think that digitalization had turned kids now, to something I could never imagine I would have been at the age of 7, only 14-15 yers back..!!
I won’t mention a specific date to be forwarded to, but I do know that it would be somewhere in the beginning of the next year hopefully, i.e. to say the day when I actually receive my Masters Degree in my chosen field. The day would really be a dream come true, and I will save my rant about the feelings for the day when I actually achieve it, but one thing I am sure of is that even the thoughts of the very day are soothing, only I hope that I will clear all my exams in first attempt and I’ll be through..