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because you don’t have a choice.
because you can’t do anything about it.
because it’s the only option you have.
because those who love you want it to be okay.
because you don’t have the courage to face it.
because you’re too tired to face it anymore.
BECAUSE YOU WANT IT TO BE OKAY.
What is the biggest loss you bear once you go through a difficult situation?
This is a question I have been asking myself for a few months now. In order to get the answer, I looked not only at myself, but at a number of people around who have faced situations unimaginable to themselves. What I realized was the fact, that very few of us have the courage to end the pain. We like to torture ourselves, to re-visit the mistakes of the past and to blame ourselves constantly for everything which is wrong, but that, I believe, is human nature, blaming is. You may blame yourself or someone else, but it is in our nature to find out whose fault was it. With all this crap about situation, blaming and where do I stand after a bad situation, I went back to the question I started with. The answer was simple. The biggest loss, after any situation, is the loss of SELF. Every time you go through a trauma, you lose a part of yourself you are never getting back, and this change is gradual, you’ll never know its happening, you may behave like a rock for a while, but too many shocks and you will be gone. I may sound like a hopeless git here, but the truth is that, this is what I have seen, not just in myself but in people around me. I lost a part of myself I priced most and there is no going back. I cannot be the same person anymore, no matter how hard I try and the truth is that I do not feel like going back to being that person, even if I miss that person inside me. Some would say that the change is for the better and that this is probably a better version of my old-self but I know myself, and I know that this is not a better version, at least not by the parameters I set for myself.
Bottom-line: After an undesirable situation, if there is something or some one you need to cry for, that would be you. Realize that your old self is dead, hold a funeral, leave some flowers and move on, because that’s the only choice you have.
I am a soul. I have seen the world. I have seen life and death. I have seen a child being born. I have seen an old man dying and a young child dying. I have seen all seven continents. From the hunger in Ethiopia to obesity in Newyork. From the funeral in Japan to a Wedding in India. From the wars in Iraq to the peace in Iceland. I have seen it all. But it was not possible to achieve this if I had stuck in a single body. I moved from body to body possessing the owner, shutting down their soul and dominating myself. I would gain the love of a family, shelter and all the possible experiences. At times when I would get side tracked, the person would go missing and its family would have to face the loss. This would make me realize even more about the love they’ve had. I have seen people being cheated on by the one they’d call the love of their life, but for this I had to become body-less soul, a bonus I’d get only once in 24 hours and I’d utilize it only when I’d lock my temporary body in a room at night. I did all of it to learn where my life went wrong. Even though I knew there was no repairing possible, but I had to see what the problem was. Why did I, as a human being screwed everything? As soon as I was near any person, relationship or an opportunity, things would take an unexpected turn and life would become more difficult than before. Every time I’d convince myself that this is the last time, every time I’d think that this won’t happen again. But there came a time in my life when I learnt to say that this was my worse experience so far. I decided to end it when I ran out of my capacity for all the possible ‘So fars’, so I killed myself. I had a choice, either I could go on and have peace in death or I could stay in the world and go for an expedition with an exception of seeing my loved ones. I chose the latter. I had never seen the world, so I chose to use the eternity to do so, though alone, I could see where I went wrong. I have been seeing things being repeated for over 700 years now. The world changed, technologies evolved, science made advancements, even animals have an altered behavior, but human beings are the only consistent specie. They still kill for food, die of hunger and crave for love, yet when love finds them they push it away. They still blame God for every wrong thing happening in their lives. They cheat on their loved ones, give their empathies to wrong people and do not trust their instincts. My own family has long since passed away and I don’t even remember what they look like, but I remember how they loved me. I know they are at peace. I know that as always, I chose wrong. My mistake did not end with my life, like my human self, I craved to know too much and that ended me up alone. The irony is that I was looking for what I’d done wrong, I learnt that I was not the only one who made these mistakes in the world. The problem is the mistake I made after my life and I don’t even know how many others like me are making the same mistake.
Hello. I am writing here after long, and a lot has change since then and now. I was a student back when I wrote last time, I am now a teacher, trying to look for opportunities to finally complete studies, may be find a suitable partner, basically have a life. I am no longer the same person and I feel like sharing it here because this place had been my safe haven for a very long time. Whenever I was too happy or too sad, I came here. It has been like this because I have been celebrating my happiness and drowning my sorrow in words ever since I was a child and much had not changed in this regard. If not here, it was a piece of paper which faced my moods but I knew that apart from the people who are mine, I have this special someone who will always be there to take me, no matter how long I took to come back, words will not leave me alone. But if something has not change since last, it’s the fact that I still write with music in my ears and my cell phone by my side. The difference is that I have transitioned from a PC to laptop, and that my mind is no longer the same.
Anyways, too much of the depressing talk. It occurred to me that I should write this post because I observed something and observations are one of the things which inspired me to write. I have realized that we take everything so for granted. We take people and relationships around us too lightly and too for granted. We think that if someone is there, they will stay there forever. They will tolerate everything we do, and put up with all our crap but what I have realized that relationships are more like video games. Yeah, most of them are. This may sound insane, but I have valid reasons for saying that, first one is that we have to cross different barriers, hurdles and obstacles to get to the next level. We need to ensure that we are strong enough to deal with the next level and the new monsters which are coming up cannot harm us.
The second and the most important reason for saying this is that we don’t have a lot of lives. We have a limited number of lives/chances for assuring that we can make it and the game won’t take a lot of our mistakes or lapse of concentration. This I find highly similar to real life. Our people are not bound to take our mistakes all the time. They will give us chances, some more, some less, but there will come a time when these chances will exhaust and we will lose that person forever. We should stop thinking that they will take our bullshit forever, they are not bound to, and if you love them truly, you will realize, that they do not deserve to take all that.
I think, that we have a true appreciation for the difficulty levels of a video game but we never take life seriously, we have stopped considering people important. We feel that they will stick around. What needs to be realized is that it is possible that the game may expire and we may not get another chance. So, it does sound rude that I am calling another person or a relationship to be a game, but I mean no offense. If we’d just start taking things seriously, we will feel that we have been taking games way more seriously than we have ever taken our relationships and by relationship I don’t only mean your guy/girl, I am also talking about sibling, parents, friends and all other good people in our lives who play an important part in making our day better.
On a happier not, I would like to write a disclaimer that this is not a situation went through and that I never take people for granted. I am absolutely not wallowing in self pity but this goes out to a person who lost a friend of mine only because of his non-seriousness and it is never too late to make people realize that they are making a mistake.
My life is quite different from the last time I posted in here. Today when I logged in, I had no intention to write anything, majorly because these days, my writing sessions involve a private text I probably won’t be showing anyone. I have always shared here whatever I have felt and I think that it’s time I deal with my feelings alone so I don’t bother sharing it online, however, my logging in and taking a brief look at my site made me realize that I have neglected for a year now and it hadn’t done me any good, so I thought that a little sharing won’t hurt me in the slightest. It might as well help me make my mind more clear, so here goes…
As we grow up, things around us change, gradually very slowly, each day passes and it doesn’t feel like things are changing, yet somehow things seems nothing like before when we take a look at the picture from a distance. In the course of these changes, we have to take certain decisions, based on certain parameters which lead our life to the point where we are. I have always taken decisions based on what makes me happy, it was never difficult, because as a child, our parents taught us to take decisions based, first on morale followed by what pleases us, resulting in us becoming somewhat confident individuals, but there comes a time when you have to fight for your own self, your family cannot protect you any more, may be because you grow up. Currently I am in a situation where I fail to understand what is more important to me, rather I do not understand that what would make me more happy. Even if I do figure out the source of happiness, the route leading towards it also have some barriers, which are very very difficult to cross. If I choose the path having no barrier, I may get lost in my pursuit leading towards failure. In short, I can definitely not explain the tidal waves after waves of panic and changed decisions roaring inside me, making me double minded, for the first time in my life ever! But I have shared it in the hope that someone might relate and it is always better to find out that you are not the only one. I am not asking you to share you story, in fact I want my dilemma to be of some use to any one out there who’d feel as confused as I am.